2.) Enjoy AWFUL Music. The Cure, Bauhaus and Depeche Mode are
excellent groups to listen to and it will drive your parents wild! Or any other band will do it. It will help distracted you
from your problems from the real world has given you.
3.) If you like Morticia Addams, dress like her, but
never, ever be satisfied with your looks. Looks are important, but always remember that it's important
that you think you don't look good. You're going to be a Goth Girl. If you are happy, self confident,
and preppy, go become a damn cheerleader. Dyeing your hair every other week is recommended(yet, it can damage you
hair, but who cares, rite? the only person who needs to care is Y-O-U!), but you don't have to, rite?
4.) Have no sense of perspective. Rite now i have no sense of perspective
and i'm doing fine *Always remember that anything that didn't happened to anyone before, it's going to happen to
you! Or, if similar things have happened to others, it's going to destroy your life.
5.) Accept that no matter what, you are doomed. Parents won
the lottery? Oh Please, they, probably, die before they even can claim it! You won a scholarship to Harvard? Yeah, right!
Your roommate will be Barbie and you probably be thinking "oh shit what have i done?" You're a Goth Girl now and it's
time that the world see you as one. Plus, the world is against you and there's a conspiracy that the world is trying
to rid of you. Fate is a fixed game you can't win, even if it dealt by a crooked dealer with his stacked deck.
6.) Value pets above humans. Have conversations with
your pets. They'll listen to you when the rest of the world is against you and they make great companions.
7.) Create a web page that tells all of your most embarrassingly personal
secrets. This step is crucial. With it you join the vast online sorority of Phi Glooma Gotha. Also involved in this
step is to get into online catfights, called flame wars, with sorority sisters. It's important as well to complain how you
can't trust anyone, and dedicate pages of web space to describe all actions said and done. Be prepared to retract such statements
as necessary.
8.) Your life is infinitely more interesting and important than others'. Everyone wants to know the up
to date minutiae involved in your daily existence, no matter how pointless. Your friend's parents have died in agony after
being sliced out of a flaming car crash. That's nothing compared to any of the dozens of major misfortunes you suffer daily.
Your suffering extends to levels unfathomable to cancer patients because your artsy boyfriend, who wears eyeliner and fangs
while writing incoherent verse detailing his severe commitment issues, is being "distant".
9.)
You are smarter than everyone else, thus better. This should probably rank higher on the list. It's the most critical
self-realization of the awakening Goth Girl. There's a reason you've been reading books instead of talking to people; now
you know it! Make sure to use obscure words as often as possible. The true mark of a Goth Girl is for the plebes to read what
you write and need to refer to a dictionary at minimum once a sentence.
10)
Hate Drama Queens, but be one. Wouldn't that make you a hypocrite, you ask? No. Self-loathing is of course required
to be a Goth Girl, but is unnecessary in this instance. There is nothing worse than a prim Donna Goth Girl Drama Queen who
blows everything out of proportion. At every instance you must point out acts of Drama for what they are, but also seek Drama
of your own, which you will blow out of proportion, write about on your web page, and defend yourself against fellow sorority
sisters who attack you for being a Drama Queen.
